I think about it all the time

Charli XCX is a modern motherhood prophet

In her new album, brat, Charli XCX sings about love, loss, partying, and how confusing it is to be a girl. I am new to Charli XCX and am excited to say I have proudly hopped on the bandwagon. Of course, I know her radio hits. As a high schooler, I loudly sang to I Love It and Boom Clap, but never really understood Charli. The most I knew about her personality was from the iconic video of her screeching on stage at the Glastonbury music festival. When she released brat three weeks ago and I heard it all over TikTok, I was intrigued enough to listen to the album in its entirety while one of my many walks through Prospect Park.

The penultimate song on brat is, “I think about it all the time.” It’s synthy, catchy, and melodically light, but the lyrics expertly describe the push and pull of wanting both motherhood and eternal freedom that so many women feel. I unexpectedly felt tears brimming my eyes while listening, hiding underneath my sunglasses while on my walk. I didn’t know I would resonate so deeply with Charli.

At 28, my friends and I regularly discuss fertility, egg freezing, and the many imperfect options of birth control. Some of us want babies, some of us don’t, and some of us don’t know if we want babies or not. We ideate on the types of mothers we want to be, where we would live if we had babies, when we’d introduce phones into their lives, how often we’d want to be with our friends while we had children at home. Whether we think motherhood is for us or not, we are constantly talking about it. I’m rapidly approaching 30 and have no current plans to bring a child into this world. But I know I want to be a mom. I don’t know when, or with whom. If I’ll conceive naturally or have to jab myself with IVF needles. I don’t know if I need to freeze my eggs or hope I meet someone I want to have babies with in the next five years. All I know is that being a mom is something I want and I think about the barriers to entry for motherhood all. the. time.

In a section of the song that spoke to me most, Charli sings,

“I think about it all the time
That I might run out of time
But I finally met my baby
And a baby might be mine
'Cause maybe one day I might
If I don't run out of time
Would it make me miss all my freedom?
I think about it all the time"

In just one chorus, she echoes the sentiment of women all over the world. The inherent desire so many of us have to bring life into this world, while simultaneously not wanting to give up the independence we’ve worked so hard to gain. Wanting to be a part of building the human race, while also clinging to the freedom women didn’t have just thirty years ago. Charli weaves heartbreaking lines in casually, like she’s reaching down to tie her shoes. She about meeting her friend’s baby in Stockholm and brags about how great of a mom her friend is, noting. that she dressed in the same clothes she wore before motherhood. Her friend looks the same on the outside, but transformed within. She became a whole new person while also remaining entirely unchanged. Charli muses that if she doesn’t have a baby, she’ll never understand that transformation, and maybe won’t understand her friend fully again.

None of my close friends have had babies yet. We’re all staunchly in the “28 year old teenage girl” phase of our lives. But last year, I watched my sister-in-law, Lael, become a mom. I met Lael when we were both in our early twenties. My brother dragged me to a comedy show hours after I landed in Chicago after a fifteen hour flight and a three month backpacking trip across Europe. I was in no mood to do anything but sleep. But Cy was clearly very excited about Lael, so I muscled through. I wish I could say that the moment I saw her commanding the stage, making the entire crowd - including me - laugh, I knew my brother would marry her. But, I was tired and grumpy and literally just sat in a trash can. I liked Lael, but could not give any emotional energy to my brother’s dating life.

Months later at a family wedding in Florida, Cy brought Lael as his plus one. That was where I finally realized they were endgame. And where I began to know Lael. She was immediately kind and funny and caring, seamlessly fitting into my family. Soon after, I traveled to Chicago for New Year’s Eve where I stayed in Lael’s cozy basement apartment. I wanted her to be my friend and was so grateful Cy had her in his life. I’ve known Lael as the girlfriend and wife of my brother longer than the mother of my nephew.

And in so many ways, Lael is still the comedian I met while my tired eyes drooped on that summer night in July six years ago. She texts me about Trixie and Katya, loves going out to dinner, and enjoys a good gossip session. And she’s also an amazing mom and about to give birth to another baby boy! While I deeply understand her musings of being a late twenties girly who doesn’t exactly know what she wants professionally, I am not a mother. I can sympathize over the woes of motherhood and can sit for hours listening to stories of my nephew, but just like Charli XCX and her friend, I may not fully understand a huge piece of Lael’s life unless I have a baby.

Charli XCX allowed me to contemplate the inner workings of motherhood and friendships. On the fear of being left behind. Of not getting what we want out of life. I acutely feel the DNA tightly wound around my proverbial womb begging to create life. Motherhood has never been such a choice. It used to be expected, even demanded by society. When women didn’t birth children, they were shamed, frowned upon, scolded. Of course, women still are shamed today. America is on the fast track to a birthing colony to solve for the decline in population. But, we’ve also advanced in our abilities to have, or not have children. Fertility tests are advertised on Instagram and celebrities are having twins at 50. Some women are choosing to not have children at all, instead opting for the DINK (double income, no kids) lifestyle. Or choosing to have them later in life. They’re choosing to freeze their eggs and insert IUDs to postpone motherhood. There are an abundance of choices in the once very simple journey to becoming a mom.

But, as Charli insinuates, the burden of these choices still sits on women. Men, especially single men, are not discussing the ins and outs of potential parenthood over IPAs with their buddies. They aren’t ideating on how they’d want to show up for their wives during labor. They aren’t planning out the best time to disrupt their professional lives to have a baby or if they’ll want to take night shifts so their wives can sleep. They don’t have lists of potential baby names in their notes app or speak to their doctors about their sperm count. They aren’t nervous they won’t understand their friends once they become dads or that they are running out of time to have children. They don’t think about this all the time.

In brat, Charli XCX shows us the breadth of being a woman. She sings party anthems, reunites with Lorde to tell the story of female friendships, and lets us into her worldview as a childless woman deciding if she wants a baby. She reminds us it’s okay that we think about motherhood and its impact on our independence all the time. Because we do. Women do. Charlie XCX does. I do. I think about it all the time. If I’m running out of time. Would it make me miss my freedom? I think about it all the time.

👙👗My Current Obsession👙👗

I recently downloaded an app that I believe will change my life. Have I thought this before? Yes. Did the app actually change my life? No. But I think I was wrong in the past and am right now. I downloaded Indyx, a real life digital closet just like Cher’s from Clueless. And I am obsessed. Last Thursday, I spent my entire day taking photos of my clothes to catalogue them into the app, which automatically removes the background from the photos to make the pieces look professional. I then created outfits of my own clothes and logged them onto the specific dates I wore them. I spent two days playing on this app and check back in every day. It is perfect for me, a lover of shopping and clothes and also a Virgo who loves a good system. I beg you to check it out. Because best of all, it’s free!

📺📺What I’m Watching📺📺

Summer means many things, but most importantly it means Love Island. Up until this summer, I was staunchly a Love Island UK girl. The US version never interested me. But, this year something’s different. Of course, I’m still watching Love Island UK. I can’t get enough of their accents and lingo. But because of botched botox and fillers, the girls all look like their in their mid-40s, while they are actually younger than me. And the drama just isn’t up to snuff. Which is why I turned to Love Island US. With its new host, Vanderpump Rules’ Ariana Madix, the US version is spitting out great drama from twenty somethings who, for the most part, look like twenty somethings. The men are hot, the drama is spicy, and the host is an icon.