I listened to the Armie Hammer x Louis Theroux interview so you don’t have to
TW: Cannibalism and sexual assault mentioned
Do you remember Armie Hammer? You may know him as the douchey actor who played both Winklevoss twins in The Social Network. Or as the older actor who wooed young Timothée Chalamet in Call Me by Your Name. Or maybe, you remember him as the actor taken down by a few too many cannibalism claims back in 2021. Hammer’s career was derailed after the human eating and rape accusations took over the news. But as with every cancelled white man, he’s back and to him, better than ever.
Hammer was recently interviewed by British journalist Louis Theroux - best known to me as the rapper of the jingle, “My money don't jiggle, jiggle, it folds.”1 Best known to the world of journalism as a reporter who interviews even the most controversial2. This time, his subject was a fallen star. As a connoisseur of pop culture, I simply knew I had to listen. As I tidied my apartment, I turned on the podcast, not knowing what to expect. From the jump, Hammer grossed me out. I didn’t like him. He has a very bro voice. It’s deep and sounds like he should be waving a lacrosse stick around.
Theroux asked question after question, exposing many of Hammers flaws. Near the end of the podcast, Theroux asked Hammer if he’d seen the Discovery+ docuseries called House of Hammer.3 Hammer claimed he watched the first half of the first episode and laughed the entire time. I have yet to tune in, but Theroux’s overview interested me. He noted it was about Hammer’s family’s history of “entitlement and debauchery.” Hammer of course pushed back, but I think that this entitlement and debauchery is integral to the story of Hammer himself. His entire life is scattered in lily pad movements from entitlement to debauchery and back again.
Theroux wasted no time in getting to the point of why he invited Hammer onto the show. Hammer was cancelled and is launching a comeback.4 Theroux mentioned the cannibalism claims right off the bat, weaving in accusations of sexual assault from Hammer’s ex-girlfriend. Theroux asked, “Are you a cannibal?” To which Hammer responded, “You know what you have to do to actually be a cannibal? You have to actually eat human flesh. So no.”
While he claimed to not be a cannibal, he did affirm his sexual kinks and that during that time in his life, he was ruled by them. He had a years-long affair, many sexual partners, and “likes biting.” Read - debauchery. But he’s not a cannibal. At one point, Hammer started peppering questions at Theroux about his sex life, which Theroux dodged. “[See], it’s uncomfortable when people start to poke around your sexual preferences,” Hammer argued, it being entirely clear to me that he didn’t understand he wasn’t making Theroux uncomfortable.
The interview was weird in many ways, all because Hammer himself is weird. He spoke in metaphors, called himself Icarus, and explained his “beach ball theory.” Reader, I will try my best to figure out how to describe this to you. Hammer spoke about how the beach ball is inflated, goes under water, and is somehow tied to the type of person you are. But, no matter how hard he tried or how convinced he was about it, the theory made absolutely no sense.
The interview was entirely about Hammer’s cancellation. Even though near the end he came at Theroux saying, “I don’t love the way the interview started. I’m not crazy about dredging up all this stuff.” It seems Hammer thought he was entitled to just popping back into the public eye and not explaining why he sent so many sexually charged texts about eating people and drinking blood. He was angry at Theroux for bringing up the cancellation and was combative when anything didn’t go his way. While he claimed he was a completely new person, to me, the listener, it felt like Hammer was exactly the same as he was before the controversy. Full of debauchery and entitlement.
Hammer was defensive, exaggerative, and a teensy bit misogynistic. While speaking about how the internet turned on him, he quoted an old book and a cliche by saying, “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.” He claimed his sexuality was weaponized against him and he was taken advantage of, while never really acknowledging that women deal with that every single day. Near the end of the interview, Theroux asked him if he’d ever work with Woody Allen and to no one’s surprise he did not say no.
I was never a Hammer fan. Sure, I loved and still love the movie Call Me by Your Name. But that’s entirely because of Timmy and the cinematography. Hammer is just another actor who’s ego is deeply inflated, who uses people for sex, and who clings onto fame like a liferaft. But, as he told Theroux, he doesn’t adhere to the court of public opinion anymore, so I’m sure he won’t care about this essay at all.
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For those catching up….
Made popular on TikTok and by his episode of Chicken Shop Date with Amelia Dimoldenberg.
Simply too good of a summary to not include here, “Debauchery. Deceit. Abuse. Addiction. Corruption. Over the course of five generations, the men in the Hammer family have more secrets and scandals than any vault can contain. Armie Hammer's alleged crimes are only the tip of the iceberg.”
Hammer and a friend started a podcast called “Armie Hammer Time” - major eye roll.